Mr. D@#k-On-Hard

“Hey, please don't let that guy in"

Words I hate hearing the most. There's nothing worst than doing access control at 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. Everyone at that point is either drunk, high or some combination of the two. All is annoying for the sober to deal with because logical conversation goes out the window. Grandma was right when she said nothing good happens after midnight.

"OK"

"Yeah, we took an Uber Pool with him and he got out and started following us. We don't know him. Thanks, bye."

Great. As the two ladies head toward the elevator, Mr. Dick-on-Hard enters the building. This wouldn't have happened if fucking maintenance had fixed the fucking doors. They automatically lock at night and you need card access to enter but they've been broken for weeks. Here he comes.

"Yo bro, yo bro, you see those two fine ass chicks walk in here. They invited me up to their apartment for a good time bro."

Man, this guy is drunk. Drunk and horny. Fuck this can only get worse.

"Sorry, man they informed me that you can't come up"

"No bro, no way. We just rode an Uber together and they both told me I could get a double blowjob man. They were grabbing each other titties and shit. Come on bro. Let me through."

Well, tag team blow job action will make a motherfucker test his luck.

"Listen, I just spoke with the resident. She told me no guests. I'm sorry man."

"Why you hating bro? Why you trying to stop my shine bro? Let me through bro. I gotta get my dick sucked bro."

"Sorry man, I can't"

"Yes, you can. Maybe you can get sloppy seconds bro. After me of course."

After dealing with Mr. Dick-on-Hard for ten minutes, I realize homeboy's going nowhere. He's convinced I'm trying to cock-block. Fuck it, I'll just call La Policia to handle this one.

"Listen man, I called the police and they're on their way man. Just LEAVE."

"No police is going to stop me from getting my balls drained bro,"

Once the police show up, I explain the situation and the police escort the guy off site. That was cool of them because they could have arrested him. Now I can get some peace. But wouldn't you know, in less than five minutes, homeboy's back. What the fuck???

"COME ON BRO, LET ME UP. I GOT BITCHES WAITING FOR ME UPSTAIRS"

Fuck, this motherfucker's angry now. Well, I got something for his ass cause I didn't promise him shit. I call the police back to the site. They show up in less than a minute.

"HEY BUDDY" one cop says in the greatest Boston accent of all time "I told you not to come back or we'll arrest you."

"But bro, I need my dick sucked. Bitch and her friend said they'd do it. Stop hating bro"

This motherfucker is on some shit. Talking to the police like that. This guy is tripping.

"LISTEN, Leave on your own, or with cuffs. It's your choice"

"Well arrest me than cause I'm getting my dick sucked tonight." After that statement, the cops arrest him and take him to their car. One cop comes back to take my info.

"What did those women say to get him so worked up?"

"Tag team blowjob. Plus I guess the women were feeling on each other titties on the Uber ride over here.”

"Well that'll do it," says the cop as he walking out of the building. Sure will. It sure will.

ReplyReply allForward

Already Dead

Damn, what a way to start the shift. This is why I hate coming in early. Mark explains to me that Mr. Turner, one of the nicest of our elderly has passes away. It's always strange to see a person, literally twelve hours ago, walking and talking like everything's normal and now their dead. As Mark explains to me what happened and the procedure to discreetly remove the body from the building, both the funeral home personnel and Mr B. (other older resident) approached the desk. I'm still changing into my uniform but I can hear Mark talking to the funeral director. Then I hear Mr. B interrupt the conversation.

"Mark, I want my pool pass."

"Well, Mr. B, I'll be with you momentarily. Someone passed away today and I need to help these gentlemen."

"Are you moving the body?"

"No, but I have to set up the elevators and such for them."

"So, can I get my pass then?"

"Sure, I'll be with you very soon. Just let me set up this guys"

"I can't wait that long" says Mr. B "I wanna good spot by the pool."

"Surely, Mr B., you understand that someone's just passed away. I won't be long."

"Well, he's fucking dead and I'm not" says Mr B. " He's not going anywhere anyway. GIVE ME MY PASS."

I could hear a loud groan come from Mark as he comes into the back and grabs the pool pass for Mr. B. Damn man, Mr. B is cold-blooded but technically he's correct. I guess that's what happens once you reach a certain age and Mr. B is definitely in the overtime portion of the life cycle game. Mark give Mr.B his pass and leads the funeral directors to where they need to go.

"Can you believe that fucking guy. He's dead already and not going anywhere. What kind of asshole is that guy."

"Well, he's an asshole and also right" I said. I love playing devil's advocate no matter how absurd the situation is. Mark shakes his head, grabs his jacket and leaves. C'est la vie.

In the Heat of the Night

Damn, man these gay guys are fucking aggressive. If this is a tenth of what women have to endure from men, no wonder they're complaining about us all the time. This fucker won't quit. I'm stuck behind this desk too. Trapped like a rat.

"Don't you want some of this man pussy" Elvis says. "It's better than your wife's. I suck a mean dick too."

"Naw man, I'm all set." I say " I'm straight. Sorry man, I can't help you in that department."

"But you can" Elvis proclaims " I just want to choke on your cock."

Damn man, this shit only happens when this guy is drunk. And tonight, homeboy is hammered. God be merciful.

"Dude, I can't help you" I say again. " I'm straight. I don't do dick. I love the ladies. Don't you guys have apps for this shit like Tinder or Grinder? Some kind of website like www. INEEDDICK.com to help you out?"

Elvis laughs. He takes another gulp of whatever spirit he's been indulging in all night.

"What if I put on a wig?"

"No"

"But I want to get fucked. I'm tired of guys thinking because I'm black I have to be the top. I want to get fucked in my ass too." Elvis says. Apparently, this is a problem in the gay community. Sterotypes suck man.

" Naw man, you're barking up the wrong tree." I reply. It's my standard answer for his drunken advances. " My ass reads EXIT ONLY, know what I mean"

Elvis laughs again. " How about 500?"

"No"

"1000??"

"No"

"5000?" Elvis says while pouting because he already knows my answer.

"Sorry amigo, I'm not one of those undercover brothers playing for both teams" I said. We've had this conversation many of time, but clearly his drunken brain can't seem to accept my claim.

"You fucking suck." Elvis says loudly while stomping away. He stops before rounding the corner to call for an elevator. "How about a mercy fuck or something/ Just a suck little BJ??"

"NOOOOOOOOOO"

"Fuck you" he says and heads over to push the call button for the elevator. I can hear the bell indicating which elevator has opened up its doors to take him upstairs. He peeps his head around the corner again. " Because I really want too" then dashes into the elevator before the door closes.

Aaahhhh, Fucking Elvis